and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
