My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
