I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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