I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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