I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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