I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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