while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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