you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
