Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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