She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
