happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
