I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
