If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
