i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
