i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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