Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
