So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
