I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
i believe in u and ur pee
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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