Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
