you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
