Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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