Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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