I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
