you're like a bully in the Christmas story
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
