I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
