i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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