i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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