I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
