i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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