If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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