Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
