I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I have feelings that need drinking.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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