I feel great
I just peed on a car
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
