Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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