I hate all girls vehemently.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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