apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize