My liver just broke up with me...
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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