you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Randomize
