We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Randomize
