Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize