I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
