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• (612): View more from Minnesota

  Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.

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• (360): View more from Washington

  I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood

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• (408): View more from California

  We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.

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• (314): View more from Missouri

  At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?

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• (406): View more from Montana

  Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar

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• (319): View more from Iowa

  Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.

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• (203): View more from Connecticut

  No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.

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• (712): View more from Iowa

  Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth

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• (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.

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• (503): View more from Oregon

  Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.

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• (207): View more from Maine

  She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.

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• (505): View more from New Mexico

  No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.

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• (757): View more from Virginia

  I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.

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• (712): View more from Iowa

  also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going

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• (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot

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