i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I believe in your delicious
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