What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
