i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
The cops high fived after they tackled you
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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