I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I look better un-naked...
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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