Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I need to calm my uterus...
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
