Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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