we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
