I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
