She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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