Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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