I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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