every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
