happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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