Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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