I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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