we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
be right there i have to get my cape
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
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