I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
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