saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
