Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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