I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
