EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
