just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Randomize
